Forum Gold

The following article has been emailed to me by the 'Forum Historian'. Now, I've no idea who this is, although I suspect it may be Fooq. If you know who has been compiling the best bits of the forum, let me know. Anyway, here it is:

The best bits of the forums I’ve been able to save from the back end of Season 5 to the end of Season 6...
Posted by FooQ. A classic.

Best Mod: Grezz, keeps the game cheat free. Yes that’s right, Valadorn with his sale of a 34 year old 40 rated player for 1.92m is NOT a cheat. I repeat NOT a cheat. My lawyers insisted I type that twice.

Most Helpful Poster: ryanz, always ready to answer an annoying newbie question with a well typed out response. Possibly way too helpful sometimes but is that a crime?!? Oh it is? Oh. Doh, my bad.

Friendliest Poster: Haziebob, even on those awkward days of the month she refuses to give in to her urges to shout at everyone and send us all on huge guilt trips befor banning us all for months. I respect her for that.

Mysterious Poster: Lovemaster, the master of love keeps on revealing his mysterious past, including the revelation this week that he used to be a popular mid sized motor vehicle.

Spam Monkey Award: Lucifer, he can even spam other peoples spam threads he’s that good.

New/Upcoming Poster: saintgodric, I don’t know much about him cept he’s funny and he’s new, hence the vote as 'New poster'. Jeez.

Funniest Poster: Kev4Real, he’s funny. Hence the vote for 'Funniest poster'. Picking up a theme here?

Best Blogger: I haven’t read anyone’s blogs cos I’m obviously way too busy conceiving and raising a family, teaching them how to ride bikes and putting them through college n stuff. In fact, this whole post had to be typed inbetween family moments and took well over a month. Apparently, saintgoldric has a blog so I’ll vote for him.

FooQ’s “I pity the fool who posts like that” Award For Most Annoying Poster: eddy1blah3yaddayadda53. As Mr T often says 'So many foos, so little time to pity them' but he always finds time to pity eddy.

Most In Need OF IAG Rehab: TopGun2. TopGun, if you don’t tone down your IAG addiction you’ll never find time to conceive and raise a family, teach your kids how to ride a bike, put them through college n stuff. Spreadsheets don’t love you back, and spreadsheets don’t make you laugh when they fall off their bikes. Remember that.

Best Drunken Poster: Riggs. Not many people know but Riggs was actually Britney Spears. She’s a huge 'soccer' fan but she had to quit IAG to go into rehab for the 5th time. All the pressure of trying to revive an already crappy career with little talent, splitting up with K-Fed and fighting for her kids meant she had to quit IAG 'to concentrate on her work and family'. Sounds familiar huh? I saw right through that alias Britney. Better luck next time.

King Numpty Award: Leon_Hamilton, for consistently asking questions that are answered in the help section and FAQ. Not only that but he posts them in the wrong forum 99% of the time. He beats out eddy as eddy is usually doing it on purpose and at least has the excuse that he can barely type or read plain english. Often eddy can’t help but seem like an eejit as another member of his family is using the family brain cell that evening.

Smashie & Nicey’s Smileytasic Award: Dunno, it’s a silly award anyways.

Wurst Speeling Aword: I would like to vote for eddy but I won’t, cos if he wins he’ll spell badly on purpose.

Best Team Name: Inter Milager, pleasantsurprise’s team of drunkards spawned many copycats but his is the original.

Posted by ryanz – what does he mean?

The I was the are ranked the 4th or 5th best side in the division and I smiled some more :)

Posted by Enzo – a culinary comparison

I’d say Scotland have more chance.
Only by like the slightest nob of butter.

Posted by Kev – he puts the boot into American Football

Why the hell is your so-called 'football' called such, when the ball is only kicked about 3 times a match? Has that never seemed a little odd to you? Imagine you ordered a pizza, and were given soup instead, would you not think 'this isn’t right, that ain’t what its supposed to be'. Think about it.

Posted by Phil – I’m sure he’s making a valid point…

Actually I know you won’t be sacked. It’s just a minor insignifficant display bug. It isn’t liked tou your actual contarct as is cosmetic.....so I’m told.

Posted by Lovemaster – trouble with the opposite sex

Quote:
Originally posted by TopGun2
Hang on a minute, you had some girl who wanted to do your housework for you and you got rid of her because of it? Are you mental?

Some defining moments.......
Q. Do you have to put your feet on the table?
A. No, but if I wish to do so in my own house I will.
Q. Are those curtains not old fashioned?
A. I like old fashioned curtains.
Q. Where do you keep your dusters? (11.30 at night.)
A. I don’t have any.
Q. I hate these documentaries and stuff, why do you watch them?
A. I like them if you don’t there is another tv upstairs.
Q. It’s like a fridge in here why do you sit in the cold?
A. I’m not cold, if you are? put the heating on you know where the thermostat is.
Q. Why do you never answer your mobile? That ringing really get’s on my nerves.
A. I have my reasons.
Q. I think you have a drink problem, have you?
A. when it comes to drink, It’s no problem.
Q. Why do you keep a broken watch upstairs?
A. It only needs a battery where else should I keep it? (£675’s worth).
Blah, blah, blah.........I detest rabbiters.

Posted by rossrich – some sound advice followed by too vivid a detail?

Before you bin her Phil, why not experiment a little Ask her if she fancies bringing her mate along for a threesome (and i’m not talking about john from the chippy). If she’s up for it, cool. If she’s not then she bins you, feels better herself and you dont end up with a bunny boiler wanting to put love bites in your poo.

Posted by josemourinho – offering his programming skills….

If my coding skills are required just shout. aahhem.
C:pro club 'Barcelona fc' AS 'BEST CLUB ON IAG'

LIKE Barcelona fc BANK BALANCE AS '£150 Million'.

LIKE 'Barcelona fc' Player Rating as '100'.

You get the picture i’m sure.

Theres more where that came from. Only took me 15 minutes to write that as well. I await the phone call bosses.

Posted by Guermano – letting off a bit steam with his trademark PS’s

Stop discussing because here’s the best of the best:

1. Pirates of the Caribbean
2. Aliens
3. .......uhm......... Monsters Inc. and Finding Nemo

Don’t care about the No. 3!

PS: Grezzy, eat some Gouda to stop you from saying anything!
PPS: AKitty, shut it!
PPPS: chaos, buy the Pepsi for Hristo and forget this post of mine!
PPPPS: Hristo, drink chaos' Pepsi and forget this post of mine!
PPPPPS: Webby, your Mac messed up this post of mine!
PPPPPPS: TG, have I ever expressed my true feelings about accountants?
PPPPPPPS: phil, don’t dare to ruin our long friendship!
PPPPPPPPS: pleasant, you’re a wizard when it comes to wording your thoughts, but not now!
PPPPPPPPPS: Luci_Lu, No!
PPPPPPPPPPS: Ian, Nope!

A series of posts from the ‘Confessions’ thread by FooQ – Pure Genius

1.

Quote:
Originally posted by niihty
On a recent jolly boys to Ireland, we had a “quickest dump” competition. The idea was you stand outside the bathroom fully clothed. Then dash into the toilet “lay a cable” wipe your arse and appear back outside the bathroom, pants belted back up. Obviously you don’t flush, so other competitors can check the evidence. The winner “dropped his back” and appeared back outside the bathroom, fully clothed, in 9 seconds flat.

Quite an achievement.

I suspect your friend pooped earlier into a jiffy bag, concealed it on his person and simply ran into the stall, closed the door, dropped the previously prepared poop and some toilet paper into the toilet and then re-emerged with his record time. It’s disgraceful really, how low can you get cheating in a pooping race?

2. Ok, for those wishing to crack down on any possible future cheating in 'Poop Racing' we here at the 'Committee of Racing And Pooping' (C.R.A.P. for short) have come up with the following measures to ensure a good 'clean' pooping race.

(1) Roughly 12 hours before the competition, all the competitors must eat a Gogurt © brand yoghurt randomly selected for them by an unbiased 'Turd Referee'. The Goghurt © flavours used should be Cherry, Blueberry and any Shrek © flavour. The yoghurts will of course have the effect of colouring the excrement at race time. The competitors are recommended to not vacate their bowels until the race time at risk of disqualification due to uncoloured doodoo.

(number 2) There remains however the possibility that a 'Poop Racing' contestant could cheat by previously storing a dookie of each of the three official 'race colours' to conceal on his person at race time. So much like a boxing match a weigh in will be conducted pre and post race. A simple formula is used to ensure fairness:

Pre-race weight MUST EQUAL post-race weight + poop

Any contestant whos pre-race weight is lighter than their post-race weight will recieve an official SEVEN year international ban from all excrement related sports.

Here’s to a cheat-free future in the world of toilet sports.

Yours faithfully,

FooQ

Chairman of C.R.A.P.

3. Addendum
_________

In the previous C.R.A.P. statement where it states in point number 2:

'Any contestant whos pre-race weight is lighter than their post-race weight will recieve an official SEVEN year international ban from all excrement related sports.'

This should of course read:

'Any contestant whos pre-race weight is lighter than their post-race weight PLUS POOP will recieve an official SEVEN year international ban from all excrement related sports.'

We here at C.R.A.P. apologise for any confusion caused.

Yours apologetically,

FooQ

Chairman of C.R.A.P.

4.

Quote:
Originally posted by Lee_Wooding
A way to ensure cheating does not occur would be to make the contestants bring some of the used paper with them.

Unfortunately, used toilet paper is all too easily hidden in the shirt sleeves or socks. Believe me, we here at C.R.A.P. have held numerous meetings in the last 15-20 minutes discussing the numerous ways poothletes can cheat at what should be one of the fairest events in modern toilet competition.